Friday, December 13, 2013

annus horribilis

Taken all in all, it had been not a bad year. Not a great year, but not a bad year. You know, “Strikes and gutters, ups and downs” as the Dude so succinctly put it. I thought turning 60 was going to be okay. I was wrong. In a day, in an afternoon, in an instant, my life went so horribly, heartbreakingly wrong that nothing can ever set it right again.

Neil Young said only love can break your heart, and I’ve always known that was true. My heart has broken over the years. My dogs have died. People have left me. Sometimes it’s been my fault, sometimes, it’s been theirs. Not that placing blame matters all that much. The pain is the same.

The worst of it this time is that I can’t share it with anyone. Oh, a few people know, of course. That was unavoidable. But I can’t imagine ever sharing this heartbreak, so I’m not sure I can ever get over it. I only know I have to try. To that end, I have decided to give myself until the end of this year, my "annus horribilis" as Queen Elizabeth termed it some years ago, to mourn my loss. Then it will all be in my rear view mirror. That’s the plan, anyway.


jsdknits said...

Dear Anne,

I don't know what your crisis is, but I can offer you "the peace that passes all understanding". It's out there, you just may not be able to access it at this horrible moment. I'm terribly sorry and I'll keep you in my prayer.

anne mancine said...

Janet, thank you.

Ben said...

Good plan. Stick with it. I'm right there with you, for what it's worth.

anne mancine said...

Couldn't do it without you.