Monday, April 16, 2012

I really hate this part

I have been mad at Lucie for a long time. I have been mad at her because I want her to straighten up and fly right. I want her to settle down and behave herself. I want her to buck up and be like she used to be. She is not going to do any of those things. I am not mad at her anymore. I wish I were.

Lucie has always been a remarkably stubborn dog. When she didn't want to eat, she wouldn't eat. When she didn't want to play, there was no tempting her, by canine or human. When she wanted to ignore you, she ignored you. She is like a cat in many ways.

Lucie is the only dog who ever bit me, although I must admit I never blamed her, as I provoked her into it. I laughed at her teeny, tiny, little warning growls at me because they were just so darn cute. Lucie ruled the roost over both Bobo and Rufus, although in recent years Rufus has realized that she has lost a step, and frequently runs right over her, or nips at her when he thinks we don't see.

Lucie sleeps most of the day now. She can't always jump high enough to hop on the couch or the chair in Ben's room. The beds have been beyond her for a while now. She lags far behind on our morning walks. She only hears the loudest of sounds. This morning she walked right into the gate and was very startled by it. She hadn't seen it, probably because her eyes have grown opaque with cataracts. We carry her in and out to go potty, and she is still really good about going outside and not in the house. She hasn't eaten breakfast for the past week. Last night she ate her dinner only with Julie's urging. If she doesn't eat her food, she can't take her meds, as I have mentioned before. Without food, of course, she grows weaker and weaker.

Lucie is old. She is failing. And even with all that, I can't bear the thought of losing her. Wish I could get mad at her again.


Ben said...

Yes, this is the hard part alright. Now she needs us more than ever. I still get mad at her. Then I feel like crap. This is the hard part.

jamanci said...

It's a lot more work, but some parts of it are more rewarding. She does sleep all the time, but prefers to be as close to us as possible when she can--which is nice, since she is pretty cat-like!

And, because Lucie can't really see, you have to come right up to her for her to recognize you--this means you get to actually see how delighted (thrilled, really) she is to see you. In times past, that excitement would be while she was still too far away to for you to see her little waggling tail, and know you had been recognized.

I'm glad you had the time you did walking her, you know? We couldn't walk her much as a puppy since she pulled forward too much, and now she drags back, but you got a nice stretch in there of smelling the roses with her on your walks!

anne mancine said...

Oh, Jules, perhaps you should write a blog entitled "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." You are right, of course.